Map Muddle : Multiple Mistakes!

Not enough Information

Take a little look at this extract from a map of Sheffield.   Things to note are:-

Middlewood, Burngreave, Norfolk Park, Grimesthorpe, Halfway, Parkhead, Manor Park, Fullwood (sic), Northern General Hospital, Ecclesfield and Hillsborough are all in the wrong place.  Middlewood is especially bad, being about three miles wrongly displaced to the North West.

Fullwood should be Fulwood (one "l" not two).

Birley Lane and Shalesmoor are road names, not district names and Valley Centertainment is a commercial Leisure Park; again, NOT a district of Sheffield.   Why does it get free advertising when the more important Meadowhall - a major regional shopping centre - is only shown as a railway station?

And where are the railway stations at Darnall and Woodhouse?

And Sheffield City Airport closed to commecial flights in 2002 and utterly in 2008 - it simply no longer exists.

And significant communities like Chapeltown, Dore, Handsworth, Totley, Firth Park and Woodseats are expunged from existence completely; whilst (omitted) Nether Edge is much more important, with a bus every 10 minutes, than Sharrow (included) with only a paltry hourly service.

Like so much stuff on-line, it is pretty obvious that the creator of this cartographic chaos has never travelled on Sheffield buses and probably fails to understand the basic geography of the city.   Can the cartographer actually read a map?   Harsh criticism - after all it's only a diagram.   But when you realise what the diagram purports to show...

... It tells me where my Plusbus ticket is valid.   Plusbus?   A bargain way of adding local bus travel to your rail ticket.   And a very good deal it is, too, with a fare of £3.50 for a day's travel throughout the Sheffield area on all operators' buses.   So what EXACTLY is the Sheffield area?

Helpfully the web site also provides a downloadable page of "zone boundary details" which provides comprehensive details of the limits of validity of the Sheffield scheme.   Or does it?

It's good to know that you can travel as far as Chatterton Farm!   It would be even better if you, or, more importantly, a typically jaded bus driver, knew where Chatterton Farm might be.   What EXACTLY is this "zone boundary" list?   "Barnsdale Bar" is the clue.   The list is actually the boundary points for the whole of South Yorkshire County; stretching from Darton in the north to Low Edges Estate (Sheffield) in the South and from Fox House in the west to beyond Thorne in the east.  [perhaps that's where Chatterton Farm is?]

Does that REALLY mean that a Sheffield plusbus ticket would allow me to travel all the way to Barnsdale Bar, roughly seven miles north of Doncaster?   And, more worryingly, would the driver of Arriva's 496 know that a plusbus ticket marked "Sheffield" was valid from Doncaster? - especially as the self-same driver is probably based at Wakefield in West Yorkshire.   An even more telling question when you know WHAT Barnsdale Bar is?

The picturesque Barnsdale Bar.

And this is just typical of the trouble with Plusbus.   What ought to be a spectacularly good scheme, used by millions each day, turns out to be complicated, unclear and extremely risky.   Fares and availability vary widely; "zones" and possible destinations are woolly and the potential user needs to spend tedious hours searching innumerable web sites to discover the devilish detail - like times and routes of these very cheap bus rides.    And remember that, in most cases in order to find a timetable, the frustrated user almost always needs first to know the route number and, possibly, the operator's name.   Boy, it ain't easy!

So ... jump to it, Plusbus!   Let's have a proper web site with route maps and timetables.  Let's have a standard fare all over the country and clearly stated availability rules.   Then, maybe, just maybe, people will start buying it!   And in case you wondered, many plusbus maps are equally confusing and misleading - try your area and see.

Seasonal Service Surprise

Happy Christmas Day

Christmas:- the "mas", feast, birthday celebration of the coming of the Christ, the Messiah, the Saviour of the World.   It must surely be the biggest birthday party ever to which the Birthday Boy isn't usually invited.   Most folk seem to be drawn into a massive celebration of, erm ..., well ..., absolutely nothing.   Wierd!

So how does public transport respond to the festive season?

Oddly!

If you live in Salisbury (and many other fair-sized settlements) there are no buses on Christmas Day or Boxing Day.   That's Go-Ahead territory, as is Poole.   Here you get nothing on Christmas Day but a "basic" service on five routes on 26th December - which includes a bus every 15 minutes between Bournemouth and Poole.

Sheffield fares a little better but still with empty streets on Christmas Day and a special contracted service on Boxing Day.  This will bring huge excitement to the "hairies" as they slaver steadily over Stagecoach buses on "First" routes.

Manchester seems to leave it all to the operators who would appear to respond in different ways.

And so, what of London; our great multi-faith, multi-cultural, 24-hour city, pulsating with life, love and opportunity? There are SOME buses on Boxing Day, although advance publicity on-line says nothing about them, but on the Day itself...

... not a Christmas Chorizo, not a Festive Frankfurter, not a single seasonal sausage!   No normal service buses will run on 25th December.   Presumably the metropolis provides paltry pulsation on Christmas Day.

And so to fat bus bloke's adopted County.  Looking at the sparse provision nationally one might expect Isle of Wight buses to give up for a fortnight; but NO!

On Christmas Day (yes, you did read rightly!) buses will run hourly from about 0830 to 2330 on three key routes linking all Island towns except Freshwater and Yarmouth way out west. Boxing Day, 1st and 2nd January will have a Sunday service and a SATURDAY frequency, no less, will operate on New Year's Day!   And none of this finishing early on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve either as buses will run a normal weekday service right through!

So, here in the rural backwaters we have better bus services over the festive period than anywhere in the country.   Why?   fbb has no obvious explanation; but harsh commercial considerations may be involved with a little dose of local politics.

But, if the Island can do it properly, why can't Boris?

The great birthday party day approaches and so fbb wishes our reader ...

A happy CHRIST mas - if you've got something to celebrate ... OR

A happy whatever if you haven't!

The Case of the Obliterated Omnibus

Caledonian Confusion ?

My dear Watson, you are well aware of my celebrated monograph entitled "understanding incomprehensible omnibus timetables", a slim but instructive volume.  Sadly, often worthy of consultation.

Indeed, Holmes, but this one has me totally flummoxed, don't y' know!

Elementary, my dear Watson; those fiendish chappies at Traveline Scotland appear to have merged three days' worth of data into one timetable; so, as you might expect, it is perilously easy to confuse Monday to Friday with Saturday or even Sunday times.  And you will note that the Saturday service, enigmatically, appears to follow a different route from the other six days that the Good Lord gave us.

Via Calderglen Country Park, no less; with excellent opportunities to hone my shooting skills on the local vermin of the non-human kind.   But that is not the problem...  Lookee here, Holmes.  I have nobly and diligently searched elsewhere on Mr Henderson's most excellent electronic enquiry facility; that worthy gentleman being the purveyor of the aforementioned service 13. And what a web of mystery it weaves!   A baffling sight if ever there was one.

Watson, pray share your  anxiety whilst enjoying a slice of Mrs Hudson's superb Simnel cake and a delicate infusion of Lapsang Souchong.

Mr Henderson's service 13 runs only between Strathaven and Hamilton in the fair country of Scotland.   So where is the rest of the timetable?  What of the omnibuses between Strathaven and Kilbride of the East?  Mayhap Mr Henderson no longer plies his trade between those two settlements?

Allow me to peruse, my good friend.   A simple one pipe problem!   You will doubtless soon admit to being astounded by my perspicacity, Watson.   You will observe that the timetable style from the good Mr Henderson's undertaking is clearly that of one-eyed, one legged, 71 year old schedules officer Archie McSporran.  I would know his work anywhere.   I suggest that you look for service 71!

Holmes, I am astounded by your perspicacity.   The omnibuses between Strathaven and East Kilbride are numbered 71 and not 13.   The mystery is solved!

Not so fast, Watson.   This dastardly deed of obfuscation can only be the work of my arch-enemy Moriarty.   We shall take the noon train to Motherwell, thence a brougham to Strathaven and unmask the devilish plot.   Is your service pistol to hand?

Ready and loaded, Holmes.

Then call me a cab, Watson!

You're a cab, Holmes!

Thank you, good friend; come, let us set off at once to the land of whisky and Mr Mackintosh's magnificent waterproof toffee.

Ready at your side, as ever, Holmes.

Aha, Watson! The game's afoot!

In fact the 13 timetable on Traveline Scotland is actually correct - if mind-blowingly confusing.   The incorrect version is on a website headed "Henderson Timetables" on Google.   Sadly this information appears to be astoundingly WRONG!  Another Henderson site gives the correct version but without the "timetables" heading.   Moriarty is deucedly cunning!

The 71 still runs, but on a different route from the 13.   But the service 71 shown on the "wrong" web site - wait for it - is actually the "missing" part of service 13.   The mind boggles.

Postscript to the Whistle Blower.

Mini-blog.   Story originally blogged on November 21st.

And e-mail from Travel South Yorkshire concerning the unpublicised night services.  Apparently the reason fbb couldn't get a leaflet for these new routes was ...

... SYT aren't going to print any!   So that's all right, then!

Apparently TM Travel, the operator, is providing adequate publicity and the good news is being spread on "social networking sites".   Hmmm.

There's nothing on TM Travel's website; indeed the "route info" button produces nothing at all.   Clicking is frustratingly fruitless.

And the earlier blog referred to at least one "Facebook" mention.   Sadly, although fbb has often been described as a "twit" he is not a "twitter" user.   Various more IT literate sons may help. Watch this Space...

There is also a night club in Sheffield that is publicising the service.  Fbb can hardly wait to visit it and rave the night away!   Cool!   Whatever!   Gravy booby!

House Sale

The fbbs' property (described in fbb's inimitable style??)

The official sales stuff, agents, price etc can be viewed (here)

 Master Bedroom 
Big! With sea views if you lean out on a yachtsman's trapeze.

Plenty of space for cupboards plus a fitted hanging space : for clothes not the owners, preferably.

The left hand chest covers up a bit of mucky wall paper. Should have repainted it, but we've lost the tin of the right colour, "a touch of Rodeo Drive." And the front alcove ...

... facing south so you could break through and make yourselves a little balcony on the flat bit of the ground floor roof. Or you could nip out of the window and slide down the slates, thus saving the building costs.

 No. 2 Bedroom 

Takes a double bed and is "deceptively spacious", i.e. barely enough room to swing a cat.

 Useful built-in wardrobe.

And those tempting sea glimpses again.

We'll post a better one when the sea mist, fog and blizzards have cleared; but you get the idea. You can also gaze out over the back garden with spacious lawns (well, grass and weeds), a few daffs and not much else.

But we have got  bit of decking; 'cos once, when fbb was enjoying a chillax in the sun, his chair sank in the soft tilth and the chubby one reversed gently to ground level! There's also a parasol to keep the rain off.

 No. 3 Bedroom 

Too full of junk cleared from the other two to even look at. It currently has two single beds for the grandsons when they come, but mainly for the cats. We'll post a picture of the room once we find the floor (and the cats!).

 Bathroom 

Functional but with awful pink suite.

It's got a stunning asymmetric double towel rail; actually No 3 son couldn't get two matching so the present arrangement forms an attractive feature to enjoy when "seated".

 Landing 

A really useful way of getting from stairs to bedroom; saves using the ladders.

The cupboard is where the hot water tank used to be. Now there isn't one. Don't worry, you won't have to endure cold showers! We've got one of those super-trendy condensing all-enclosed efficient boiler thingeys. Seems to work well and save money. 

 Hall / Dining area 

Strange design of house with a hu-u-u-ge hall. Waste of space, so we use ours for dining, breakfast, colouring, board games etc. etc. when the whole family invades;  and not forgetting our ever popular OAP Wrestling in Mud evenings . 

And, excitingly, here's a view looking the other way.

There appears to be a strange woman peering through from the kitchen. Wonder who it is?

 Lounge / Living Room 

Runs from front to back of property with three large windows; not at all like those poky multi-paned "Georgian" efforts that seem to be the fashion these days. These are windows that you can see out of, and, as fbb's old Granny used to say, with a lot less corners to clean.

There's a door out to the greensward, but we haven't built the step yet so ...

Front view, equally nice, especially of the wheelie bins. They breed in the lush climate of the Island.

You can just glimpse the adults with their little cubs (in their darker camouflage) protectively close to their parent's side.

Sweet!

The open fireworks.

Sorry, that should read "the open fire works". It is one of the delights of the house that you can still sit in front of a real fire, toasting the cat and then emptying the ashes and dusting the smoke grit off the furniture. But so much nicer than turning on the gas. And healthier than not lighting the gas!

 Kitchen 

As they say, "in need of some modernisation" or, more accurately, tired and tatty. But it works. We have regularly catered for two course meals for 20 guests. It doesn't look too bad on this side ...

... but best keep your eyes half closed on the other!

 No 4 Bedroom 

See No. 3 bedroom. When attacked with a JCB, makes a good small guest room (the room is small, it can be used by most sizes of guest.) Because next door are the usual offices. We'll post a picture of the room soon.

 Shower & W.C. 

One of the most exciting living experiences in the house.

NOT! 

 The ??? 

Next to the usual offices is, well, the usual office. Note fbb's confusers and multiple boxes of "for sorting" stuff removed from all the other rooms. We keep the washing machine and dryer in here and a small but contented herd of wildebeest. It was once the garage and could, at the drop of an up-and-over door, be returned to that purpose.

Don't laugh (or cry) ...

... you should have seen it before we started tidying up. No; perhaps you shouldn't! That green and grey thing down there is the floor; we haven't seen that for years.

And finally the "aaah" moment. Front view of fbb towers with the flowering cherry in full blossom.

Only it isn't yet; due to global warming. But the climatologists tell us it will be in early November, possibly 2014.

Seriously, folks, for two to three weeks the blossom is magnificent. It's worth buying he place just for that!

Airport and Arsenal Anguish ...

Or how to waste £17.50

Transport for London [tfl] is very proud of its website and journey planner.   "The most used journey planner for London" - actually it's the ONLY one freely available.   But it is often misleading and nearly always suffers from the "too much information" syndrome.

Consider a simple enquiry - a journey from Heathrow Airport to Arsenal.  Perhaps fbb has just flown in from a holiday in Dubai and is anxious to get to the Gunner's home game on time.  [If you knew fbb personally, you would know how likely this scenario might be!!]

So, first we are told to catch the Heathrow Express [HEx] to Paddington. Hmmm. Sort of OK, so far - maybe!     But note the irrelevant information (in green) about a line that does not serve Heathrow OR Paddington; and a huge paragraph (in blue) about departing flights which means little if you have just arrived!

The site then tells you to catch a circle or metropolitan line train from Paddington to Kings Cross St Pancras. This involves a walk back along the station (against the main flow of alighting passengers) up onto a footbridge at the front of the train and to the remote "suburban" platforms to your right.   It is not obvious and it is quite a long trudge.

And if, as is likely, you did follow the crowd the wrong way, you might find the OTHER circle line platforms at the barrier end of the platforms ...

... and then you will either have an extra change at Edgware Road or, even worse, go the "wrong way" round the circle to Kings Cross St Pancras.   Changing at Paddington is not for the unwary, and certainly to be avoided if at all possible.  [Mysterious fact No 34b : this part of Paddington Station is called "The Lawn" - and not a blade of grass in sight!]

And so on to Kings Cross St Pancras.

Here there are three Underground booking halls, five National Rail booking offices and the Eurostar terminal.   The tube interchange is simple for those who are used to it but daunting for the newcomer.   Recently unwary passengers (including fbb), having walked wearily the full length of the splendid St Pancras station were then greeted by a notice sending them back through long echoing tunnels to the new northern ticket hall - back to where they started.   Again, best avoided!

And the last bit by comparison, is a short run on the Piccadilly line.   But, yet again, tfl goes for unnecessary information overkill!   Why doesn't it say, simply, "take ANY Piccadilly Line northbound train"?

But Transport for London's scheme has a snag.  HEx is the most expensive train ride in London at £18 single; to which is added the £4 tube fare from Paddington to Arsenal - total £22.

Of course there is an easier way.

Join the Piccadilly line at Heathrow and get off at Arsenal- NO changes at all.   Price £4.50, saving of £17.50!   It takes about 10 mins longer (but using the tfl route you might easily mess up at either of the two hairy interchanges, in which case it will be shorter.) but it is delightfully SIMPLE.   And if you have an Oyster Card, the Underground (but NOT Heathrow Express) is even cheaper.

Before Mr Clever complains.  You can "switch off"  HEx on the tfl website and search for Underground only: BUT where are you told that HEx counts as a bit of the big National Rail Network?   NOWHERE!  Neither are you warned about the so-called "premium" (i.e. rip-off) price of HEx. And if you are unwise enough to try to buy your Heathrow to Paddington ticket ON the train, you will get stung for an extra £5!

Suspicious School Services?

Do they run; can you catch one?
A chum e-mails from sunny Sheffield and says, "I think I've found a bus that you haven't got on your map!"   What?   Has fbb failed?   Again?The offending omnibus was operated by Linburg Travel and simply showed service 101.   What was it - where was it going - and is it a useful service?  And should it be on the celebrated fbb map of Sheffield bus routes?
Linburg's website provides part of the answer ...
... it is a school bus from Castleton to Lady Manners School, Bakewell - running, not surpisingly, on schooldays only and provided, so it says, by Derbyshire County Council.  So one query answered; it is not on the map 'cos is doesn't run into Sheffield.   Possibly an academic question (pun not intended - academic? school bus? gettit? groan!) - but sometimes an important question, particularly in very rural areas.   Can an ordinary bloke or bloke-ess travel on it?
Linburg doesn't say you can't - Derbyshire's timetable library disavows any knowledge of a 101 ......and traveline tells me that I can only ride to or from the school, and not intermediately.   So, as usual, clear as the driven mud!

But Linburg's site also reveals some Sheffield school services that mayhap OUGHT to appear on fbb's map.   So, lets try the 692.
It is provided by South Yorkshire PTE so, click to their site and, lo and (not!) behold - it doesn't exist.
What of (un) reliable Traveline?   Yippee!   There is the 692, the self-same Linburg school service from Fence School to Woodhouse Station.   And what does the ever impressive traveline tell us about this school service?
That it operates ONLY during the school HOLIDAYS.   Great - a school service running when the school is closed.   The driver will be really busy collecting fares!

So confusion and uncertainty are the order of the day.   Can you travel on school services run by Linburg?  DUNNO.   Do they actually run?   DUNNO.   Maybe the only people who really know are the schoolkids - fair enough, they are the customers but - in many areas these school journey provide the ONLY link from village to town; a useful, possibly essential link.
So; on the Isle of Wight, blessed with may rural backwaters, the ever helpful council has just made ALL school buses into "closed" contracts, consequently "verboten" to Joseph Public - thus breaking a significant number of these occasional but useful links. Well done, chaps!