B A.F.F.L.E. Meeting

Up an intriguing cul-de-sac (Netherthorpe Road) in Killamarsh is the Steelmelters Pub.

In early December, in the Function Room, was a very secret meeting of the group which uses the name Bus Action For Flummoxing Local Electors. Chaired by a representative of the local authority, the meeting was called because the bus operator had a problem. Those present were:-

Derry Hebis - LA and chairman

Chas Catego - bus operator

Wes D Binge - internet expert

Kay Drobe - computer expert

Dennis Dominator - union rep

Code names have been used, of course, to protect the secrecy as the group's activities could be illegal if drawn to the attention of the competition authorities. fbb has summarised the recordings he received via  a microphone hidden behind the baseball cap in the portrait of Arthur Scargill.

Chas

As you know, my boss, Big Brian,  is very keen on making a profit ...

Dennis

Capitalist scum

Chas

... and we have to be very strict on routes that cannot even cover their operating costs. From 2012 to 2015 we ran the Supertram Link 3 to Killamarsh.

It was a disaster. We had hoped that a bus every ten minutes would attract loads of new customers ...

Dennis

To fill the pockets of the fat cat bosses.

Chas

... but most buses ran empty. So we replaced in with the 72 just over a year ago, cuttingthe frequency to every 20 minutes. But it was no better.

Derry

Our inspectors said it was worse.

Chas

So we are going to withdraw it completely. Unless you can offer us some de minimis subsidy.

Derry

Fat chance. We are nearly broke. But you did say you had an cunning plan, Chas.

Dennis

Rare event for management

Chas

The present 71 runs from Killamarsh into Sheffield via Manor Top.

So we thought we could run these buses via the present 72 route to Crystal Peaks, ...

... which would partly placate the folk of Killamarsh with an hourly service and give them a faster route into Sheffield. Buses would run non-srop into the City.

Kay

Ahem (and nervously). I've run this timetable through my analytical software and it comes up with a worrying fact. The current 71 leaves Killamarsh at 12 minutes past the hour and arrives in Sheffield at ten to.  The new 72 leaves Killamarsh at 12 minutes past the hour ...

... and arrives in Sheffield at twelve minutes to.

Chas

So?

Kay

Well it's not much faster; nothing to shout about. Two minutes faster!

Dennis

If you've got the running time right. My brothers and sisters won't drive any faster just to try to keep up with unworkable schedules.

Kay
I didn't realise the rest of your family were bus drivers.

Wes

But it is faster. I can hype that on the web site without actually quoting the figures. Most passengers don't read timetables so they'll never find out.

Derry

And we are in the business of Flummoxing; so well done Chas, and well done Wes. But there is a problem. My people back at Matlock won't want their precious tendered journeys fiddled with. Politically too risky! The level of confusion is high and we've already got a 70, a 70A, a 71 and a 71A. Are we going to lose that?

Chas

Look at this. This is what we've got at the moment, evenings and Sundays.

Kay

But I never understand those times in brackets.

Derry

Exactly. Long live Flummoxing. It really is deliciously confusing.

Chas

Well, here's the great news for our little group.

Not only are we keeping 71s into Sheffield in the morning but there will be no material change to the 71As in the evening. In fact all evening and Sunday buses from Sheffield will show 71A as before.

Derry

(chortling with delight) Except the last two journeys in the evening to Spinkhill.

Chas

Exactly. They will still be 71s. Its already so confusing that those arrogant people at GoTimetable Sheffield have got it wrong on their maps.

Wes

Clever dicks - serves then right.

Derry

Couldn't we have a 72A to make it all that little bit better?

Chas

We did consider it. We've got a couple of 71s running right through to Chesterfield on Mondays to Fridays, one on Saturday ...

.... ideal Flummoxing candidates for numbering 72A. But on reflection all the lads at Chesterfield agreed that three different destinations for 71s mixed up with 71As going a different way was far better.

Derry

Agreed. I can go back to my committee and recommend full acceptance.

Kay

But won't the people of Killamarsh be even more confused?

Derry

Kay, we are all about Flummoxing. I am worried about your misplaced concerns for the man and woman in the street. Are you sure you want to work in the bus industry?

Kay

(turning bright red) Very sorry Derry. Silly of me. I wasn't thinking.

Derry

And one last thing. The boss of Travel South Yorkshire rang up just this morning. He was complaining that he couldn't understand the proposed timetable.

Wes

So there's a very good chance that their publicity will get it all wrong as usual.

OMNES

(Except Dennis who has left for a pint and a bag of pork scratchings). So another success for B.A.F. F. L. E. Cheers everybody.

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Please note: readers should be aware that no reference is intended to any living person. Stereotypes are used purely for dramatic and literary effect.

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Horse Catches Bus in Islington?

Nice thought; but not quite what it seems. On Tuesday last, the horse (Invictor) was accompanied by a police officer (Dan Smith) who was attending to a passenger who had been taken ill. The horse was, naturally, curious!

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 Next book review blog : Thursday 5th December