Three Options for a Funeral [3]

Episode 3 : let the train take the strain?

a modern "take" on the old slogan?

fbb's Leicester chum, David, is weighing up the options for travelling by public transport or car from his home in Groby to a funeral in Maidstone, at Vinters Park Crematorium. In yesterday's blog, fbb has discovered that a viable option is a train to Maidstone East, then bus 506 which stops outside the station.

It is reasonable to assume that a local resident can cope with the journey from home to Leicester station, although, to coin a phrase, it ain't easy! So network rail's journey planner can surely get us to Maidstone for about 1130 with plenty of time to make it to the Crem for a 1230 kick-off?

Of course it can, if we ignore fares. Of course it can if we ignore Senior Railcard validity. We can go when we like; at a price. An Anytime return from Leicester to Maidstone is a whopping ...

... £196. Double ouch! Treble ouch! No way José!

Does the route you choose matter. And what are these routes?

click to enlarge the map

Yesterday's researches suggest that we want Maidstone East which has a train every half an hour from London Victoria ...

... taking a little over OR a little under an hour depending on stopping pattern. An arrival at 1139 would connect with a suitable 506 bus with plenty of time; the next arrival at 1202 would be just about OK; but tight. Getting across London is a quick nip by Victoria Line underground, so also OK.

But getting to Maidstone West has a huge advantage.

The journey starts off from St Pancras, arrival point of the train from Leicester, so no crossing London, just a sedate trot from the Western side of St Piecrust to the Eastern side ...

... to catch a Javelin. (Really painful trying to catch a Javelin!)

Again, there is a half hour service and the 1127 arrival would be a doddle with the 1157 being just about OK. Note "b" tells us that a change at Strood is necessary; only 4 minutes but an advertised connection.

It follows, as night follows day, that if we ignore fares, the journey is easy and all we have to do is to weigh up the disadvantage of travelling by underground but arriving at Maidstone East which is easy for the frequent bus OR changing easily at St Pancras but arriving at Maidstone West with a less easy bus interchange.

But if we don't want to pay nearly £200 for the privilege, things become a bit more challenging.

Now here fbb sinks into near insanity. The ramifictions of off peak, advance, return and single fare calculations become mind bogglingly and insanely complex. Not only that, but they appear to change every time the frustrated potential passenger looks them up on-line. It's enough to make a grown man cry; and often does.

Here are a few of the fare options.

Oddly, funerals are not usually planned well in advance, so the middle option (£39.60) is not likely to be available. But which fare you might actually pay is a calculation just too complex for a normal mind to work out. It is too complex to make any sense whatsoever. But two possible journeys may be available at a "reasonable price".

0854 change at St Pancras and Strood; arriving at Maidstone West with plenty of time for the bus. Alternatively the journey planners offer something which fbb has not considered.

A Javelin, but going the other way; and a change at Ashford! Now there's a novelty and a novelty well worth considering.

But the arrival is, as fbb has already said, a bit tight.

What the journey planners don't tell you, or, more correctly show you, is this:-

And it has a hard-to-spot sign.

'Tis none other than a footpath to Maidstone East Station. "But from where?", we hear you cry.

So, IS THIS THE ANSWER?

Instead of alighting at Maidstone West Station, you get off at the previous stop, Maidstone Barracks station.

Leave the station, turn tight and walk down Buckland Hill, take the well hidden footpath, cross the river Medway and the A229 and, sooner than you think, you will be at Maidstone East and your 506 Park & Ride bus stop!

But chum David (he's going to the funeral, remember) should book to Maidstone West. Because the baked meats are at Flaxman Road Allington. In fact, David did not know this before making his decision, but could have asked; funeral "hosts" are never very good at giving out instructions, understandably being over-burdened with the emotions of the occasion. Assuming someone kindly gives David a lift from Crem to nosh, all he has to do, after socialising, is to walk the short distance to London Road ...

... catch any one of many frequent bus services to Rocky Hill for Maidstone West station and, as they say, use outward route reversed.

And he might be able to do it for about £70.

Or he might not!

David Tennant in Hamletian anguish.

And aye, there's the rub (as Hamlet didn't quite say) ...

For in that sleep on train, what dream may come,
When we have suffered on this trip by rail,
Must give us pause. There's the challenge
That makes Calamity of so long a trip:
For who would bear the Whips and Scorns of fares,
Journey planner's wrongs, the proud man's Contumely**,
The pangs of interchange time, the train’s delay,
The confusion of Offers, and the Fears
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his Quietus make
And simply choose to take the car? 

And yes, chum David went by car - and who could blame him? Our railway system is becoming too complicated, too challenging for the average passenger to understand. The fares system is, in the minds of the "ordinary" member of the public, simply a lottery. How many potential off-peak passengers are now so confused that they don't even consider the train?

and who could blame them?

And the best that Google Transit can offer for a "reasonable" arrival.

0825 from Leicester, so full price at £196!

Then Javelin to Sittingbourne and tedious bus to Vinters Park estate. Best not to ask about Groby to Leicester Station!

==========================

** Contumely : is defined as "an offensive expression intended to hurt."

 Next bus blog : Thursday 4th Sptember 

Three Options for a Funeral [2]

Episode 2 : "A bus, a bus, we're searching for a bus"

... the on going challenge of getting from Groby to a funeral in Maidstone.

Fortunately, Traveline has a timetable index which is unavailable on Transport Defunct or Google Transit, so we can start by seeing what buses serve "Vinters Park Maidstone Crematorium (stop)".

There are four.

Or we can look at buses that go to "Vinter's Park, Vinters Park Crematorium (poi)".

As a performance art, poi involves swinging tethered weights through a variety of rhythmical and geometric patterns. Poi artists may also sing or dance while swinging their poi. Poi can be made from various materials with different handles, weights, and effects (such as fire).

Does it mean "place of interest" in this context?

Now there are a few more buses to choose from.

Or we can look at buses to "Weavering, Vinters Park Crematorium, Bearsted Road (ME14 5LG)" ...

... where the list is strangely familiar.

We won't bother with the list for just plain Vinters Park, because that gives us even more options, namely 20 route numbers to consider. What Traveline does not make quite as clear as it could is that the first list, the shortest, shows buses that stop AT the Crem whereas the others show buses which go NEAR the Crem. And near, for Traveline, is a whopping "within 20 minutes walk".

Far too energetic for fbb but possible for chum David who, although older, is wiry and less encumbered by bulk. 

So the next line of approach is to go to Google Maps, enlarge the bit near the Crem and click on the little blue stop icons.

On the westbound side of the road we are offered ...

.. whist the eastbound stop ...

... makes some changes and doesn't offer any times.

... no 88 but an added 9. Checking the timetables we discover that the 335 only runs on Sundays but does call at the stops indicated. The 784 is a Monday to Friday Commuter service to London which MIGHT stop there but probably needs pre-booking.

The 9 is a schooldays bus running in one direction only, whilst the 88 offers peak hour journeys in each direction which, again, MIGHT stop there.

Realistically there are no suitable buses to Vinters Park Crematorium for a funeral due to start as 1230!

We could, of course, continue this process with all the routes nearby (?) but fortunately the journey planners can do some of the leg-work for us.

Some of our readers will now be screaming, "Why didn't the idiot use a journey planner in the first place?" The answer is simple; journey planners cannot be trusted without a measure of corroboration. Remember that Traveline delivers the answers that the programers think are best, not necessarily the options that fbb or chum David might choose.

Because our research is based on arriving by rail, we search for Maidstone Stations to Vinters Park Crematorium. In this case fbb used Google Transit which is just Traveline and Transport Direct in a thin disguise.

Two options are offered. From Maidstone West station via bus 6A to the bus station.

Then 334 to Vinters Park. Sounds OK and looks reasonable. This Vinters Park is the housing estate, but he Crem is just round the corner.

Wast the journey planner does NOT tell you is something you really do need to know. Firstly, there are loadsa buses from the station stop (Rocky Hill) to the bus station, you don't have to wait patiently for a 6A.

What fbb does not know is whether this useful stop is prominently promoted in the station with a sign pointing to "frequent buses to Chequers bus station." The stop is well hidden from the station on a one way loop of road. Take the "right hand lane" and you will be guided to the station.

It is unfortunate that the "official" network rail map does not use the "official" name of the stop!

What the planners also fails to tell you is that the 334 with its bedfellow 333 is every 30 minutes. But it is a viable option.

A seemingly better alternative is to catch the 506 (Park % Ride) from Maidstone East.

Again, the stop is not physically visible from the station, but an intelligent traveller will cope.

fbb wonders why bus stops are often badly signed from stations. The answer, of course, is that "it's nothing to do with us, guv" for the railways. And even if the bus companies wanted to encourage you to travel on their services, the complexity of railway legislation would mean that something as simple as putting up a sign would take three years or more of contractual and litigious wrangling. Potty!

The Park and Ride site is a short walk from the Crematorium ...

... and the bus runs every "10 to 13" minutes.

It is technologically interesting to see that Google Transit can show the walking bit as following the actual roads (although there are no signs to help you) whereas the 506 bus smashes through buildings to get to its terminus.

Of course, we may be frightened by the concept of Park and Ride. Do we pay for the bus or the parking? Is it a combined ticket? Will we be able to travel "back" to the car park site if we haven't travelled into town? Is our old crusties free travel pass valid or not? In Exeter, for example, you have to park to use the ride. Again, thanks to the wonders of the interwebnet, we can glean the answers for the 506:-

Return Tickets can be purchased from town centre bus stops

Good

The National Bus Pass is currently accepted on these services.

Even better

Off-Peak Day Return    £1.60

Superb

So, all we have to do now is to find a train that gets chum David from Leicester to Maidstone East station. Should be a doddle. Oh yes, David is prudent with his pennies and would be looking for the cheapest rail ticket!

Should be a doddle - again!

 Next bus/rail blog : Wednesday 3rd September 

Three Options for a Funeral [1]

Episode 1 : The Challenge

Leicester chum David lives at Groby near Leicester (hence his title "Leicester Chum"!)

He is invited to a funeral here ...

... at Vinters Park Crematorium which, as we all know, is at Maidstone. So the first task is to find out where in Maidstone this sombre structure is situated. It is run by Maidstone Borough Council whose web site gives an address ...

...  and a Google Maps extract.

This shows the M20 and three station logos which leads David to two main option choices. Car is easy (in theory) with M1, M25 and M20 running almost door to door. There is the possible complication of "baked meats" afterwards ...

... and a number of problems to overcome if public transport is chosen.

Maidstone is a problem.

There are three stations:-

Maidstone East is pretty near north of the town centre. Maidstone West is more southwest ...

... and Maidstone Barracks is due west from Maidstone East ...

...  but closer than Maidstone West. Local maps are not very good at identifiying the bus station ...

... which isn't close to any of them. Google shows all three stations ...

... but no Chequers. This one, from a non transport web site, shows only two stations and no buses.

The map from a Park and Ride site is similar ...

... and is too small to read anyway! For once we might be half-heartedly thankful to network rail, although fbb found it by searching for Maidstone maps.

It shows all three stations and "Chequers Shopping Centre". It is possible that Chequers Bus Station might be somewhere near the identically named shopping "mall". Except it isn't. The shopping mall been re-branded ...

... and now trades as "The Mall" (see also the Arndale Centre in Luton).

This might explain the absence of any reference to Chequers on most maps, although that name, until recently at least, does still appear on the wall outside!

So the four possible public transport "nodes" are at four corners of a slightly deformed rectangle with the Chequers bus station beside the Mall shopping centre being, arguably, the most central.

So which station is best for a bus to Vinters Park Crematorium? Indeed IS there a bus to Vinters Park Crematorium; and is Vinters Park a park? Back to the confuser.

It used to be a private house in substantial grounds in 1890.

It now has a nature reserve ...

... and an Indian Tandoori Restaurant.

It also has a Business Park, home to an independent television studio company ...

... which fbb thinks was a TVS base, once the home of childrens' Saturday morning TV show "No. 73" later "7T3" which introduced an unsuspecting world to Sandi Toksvig and The Sandwich Quiz!

Vinters Park also appears to be a housing estate.

So our next task is to find bus timetables and see which route to the Crem passes which station and, Robert is your father's brother!

If only it were so easy.

 Next bus/rail blog : Tuesday 2nd September