Public Transport Experience: An Open Letter to the Minister [1]

Dear Mister MacLockling Sir

My oldest boy, Gavin, knows about computers. Which is more than what I do. So I asked him how to get over to Mrs Fudges who lives at Norwood, just up from the roundabout.

Her husband is away at the moment ~~in Yougoslar~~ abroad on his lorry and she was feeling gutted and frit to be on her own at night. So I said I would go and stay for the weekend after I finished work at the ~~abbatw~~ slorterhouse.

Gavin said all the answers were easy to find on Googel.

But when he looked he said that the answers were crap. I wanted to go from Chesterfield after seven so I could do a bit of shopping at Liddles first.

Mrs Fudge likes yoggut.

Your silly sistem says I can catch a 310 to Sheffield then a bus to Norwood.

That is daft; its an express coach. So I have to book a ticket at the Coach Office ...

... which would be closed after I done Liddles. Gavin says whoever though that up needs his craneum crushing.

Or, says Gav, I could catch a train to Sheffield but I would have to walk to Chesterfield station and by a ticket.

And it would cost an arm and a leg.

Then I catch an X5 to Wales from Sheffield. But I dont want to go to Wales. I went on holiday once and it rained every day. I want to go to Norwood. Gav tells me there is a place called Wales and I will have to walk for miles to get to Norwood.

It says 22 minits but with my arthriticks it would be about 40.

That is really silly. What do you take me for?

Mr Podford who lives at number 27 said to catch the 70. One bus all the way. So Gavin looked it up.

But its still a long walk from Kilamarsh to Norwood.

And a long walk at Chesterfield as well; all the way to Brewery Street near the station.

Thats crackpot.

Mr Podford said he would ask a very nice man who might know better. The nice man said to catch the 70 from New Beatwell Street to Kilamarsh only its a 70A. But dont get off.

Because the 70A goes to Norwood.

But says Mr Podmore, its a Government secret. Mr Podmore likes to be humerus.

So I went and did it and it does go to Norwood.

So why is it a secret? Dont you want people to ride on your buses? Why dont you give us the right ansers?

What do we pay our taxis for? Should I of told Mrs Fudge to get lost and staid at home. She enjoyed the yoggut. I should of asked the stagecoach man at New Beatwell Street but it was closed and all.

I shant vote for your lot next time.

Gavin said I should buy a tablet. Take a tablet, more like.

And oblige

Florence Guddle (Mrs and widdow)

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fbb received a copy of this letter from a whistleblower in the DaFT offices** and felt it was indicative of the poor service available from Google Transit. Illustrations have been appended by fbb. But rather than just sniggering with derision, the obese and opinionated one decided to try to understand why the answers Gavin found on his mum's behalf were so ludicrously unhelpful.

We begin the investigation tomorrow; so please delay the "Transit is wonderful, fbb is an idiot" responses for a day or so.

** a modicum of artistic licence is in operation here!

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A Land Cruise Aboard "Ventura"

Alan (our senior Isle of Wight reporter, not our Northampton ditto) is currently neglecting his onerous duties c/o Seaview and on a Cruise to furrin parts. Apparently a fellow-cruiser is Rob Brydon (a Welsh comedic entertainer m'lud.)